I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Randomize
