Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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