I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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