first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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