I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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