i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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