his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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