weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
