hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
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