I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
