I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
