I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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