I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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