I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
