I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
