I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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