Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
