I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Randomize
