I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
