I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
