I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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