Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
