I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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