You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
