so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
