yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
