I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
