We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
