why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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