Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
