I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
