I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
