I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
