my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
