he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
