Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
