So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
