I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Everclear isn't food dammit
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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