Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
it hurts more in the daytime
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
