last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
