i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
