I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
