Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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