So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
