You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
