so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
