Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
