She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
