Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
