hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
